ANIMORPHS #35: THE PROPOSAL

"actually, some guys are from uranus."

hi hello and welcome BACK to animorphs weekly, my main contribution to the time capsule that is the internet. i hope when future anthropologists crack open this substack, they’re just as baffled as i am.

wanna read a book?

WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND . . . ?

GREAT QUESTION

really breaking the fourth wall here, applegate. what’s on my mind? i’m struggling to make a record player work while the imminent collapse of society awaits just outside my front door. also desperately curious: are we invading the dog show???

remember when cassie won the animorphs-verse version of the kentucky derby? i hope marco’s about to win best non-herding.

it’s a marco book!

SUMMARY

we open on marco absolutely obliterating his father in the arena where all boys must fight their fathers: video games. the phone rings, and marco’s dad forfeits the game to answer. immediately, he’s smiling.

uh-oh! dad’s got a girlfriend!!!!!

marco’s like, yeah, it’s pretty weird. he is happy for his dad, all things considered, but now that his dad has a girlfriend, he’s doing weird shit like laughing at marco’s jokes and hugging him sometimes. i get it. my dad got a girlfriend and immediately started going to therapy. he’s medicated now. it’s,,,,

marco’s like, this would be the biggest problem in my life right now if i wasn’t, uhhhhh, the only thing standing between humanity and the yeerk invasion!!!! wake up sheeple!!!!!

as if the yeerks aren’t enough for me to deal with — this woman my dad has gone all sweet’n’low for? she just happens to be a teacher at my school. my math teacher. ms. robbinette.

i’d kill myself

i’m JOKING

to drown out his father’s lovesick cooing, marco changes the TV from NFL Video Game to a talk show, hosted by a man named william roger tennant. people call in with their problems and william roger tennant gives them his advice. marco admits he’s not usually a talk show kind of person, but there’s a big complication that adds to his dad having a girlfriend. “a serious one.”

like, your mom still maybe being alive? held hostage in her own body by the baddest of the bad, visser one? and last time you saw her you tricked her off a cliff?

that complication?

well, here’s another complication. someone calls in to william roger tennant’s show and tells him she’s lonely, retired, friendless.

“marie,” he said. “i know a great place where you can make friends. it’s called the sharing.”

CULT CULT CULT CULT

marco sighs. he’s gonna have to call jake, and tell him that william roger tennant’s a yeerk, trying to recruit more humans to the yeerk pool / division c intramural volleyball team. his dad hangs up the phone with nora, ready for more father-son bonding time, but marco’s gotta go. he arranges a meeting with the others on the phone, then tries to leave. his dad calls out after him. is marco upset with him? no, marco says. his dad’s like, i still think about your mom, but it’s been a long time and i can’t grieve forever. nora’s nice, right?

maybe if i was a better son, i could have said something to cheer him up. but i’m not and i couldn’t.

“yeah. she’s okay,” i said. “it’s just weird, that’s all.”

he shuts the door behind him. of course he wants his dad to be happy. but there’s a chance his mom isn’t dead. and won’t THAT be a crazy reunification?

imagine being that family therapist

marco thinks about his mom as he gets ready to morph. in a weird way, he’s excited for the mission ahead—it will at least distract him from his dad, his dad’s new girlfriend, and his potential matricide.

he starts to morph osprey, but halfway through, his body short-circuits. he starts morphing lobster. half lobster, half osprey, all fear, he collapses to the ground! he has lobster gills! he can’t breathe! he demorphs!

what was that???

he bikes to cassie’s barn like a total goob and arrives, of course, last. rachel’s like ugh where have you been??? i’m missing felicity for this!!! (readers, felicity is not, as i thought, an american girl property, but a tv show starring keri russell created by jj abrams.) tobias says we’re missing felicity. cute! marco says as much, but with a lot more bite.

“isn’t that romantic?” i said mockingly. “blondie and bird-boy watching tv together. so rachel munches popcorn and tobias eats road-kill? romance! must be something in the air.”

“what’s your problem, marco, not enough fiber?” rachel snapped.

jake’s like, yeah man, we were worried about you. marco shrugs. he rode his bike. cassie’s always telling him to exercise, so he decided to exercise!

marco!!! rule number one!!!! animorphs don’t lie!!!!!! it’s not even the first time someone couldn’t get through a morph. rachel famously sneezed half her house down as an elephant. you have to keep your team in the know. without the morph, marco’s just an ani.

rachel’s like, okay, cut the bullshit, what are we all doing here? marco’s like, do y’all know a man named william roger tennant? there’s a little back and forth here. william roger tennant wrote some self-help books, which rachel’s mom canonically reads. ax asks what a self-help book would be like for a human, and makes a reference to oprah. he’s been getting a lot of screen time ever since they got him a little television for his woodland home. someone should check in on that. world’s first andalite ipad kid.

marco gets to the point: william roger tennant is a yeerk and he’s using his show to recruit for the sharing. the problem now is: what can they do about it?

rachel suggests they trash his studio, but jake points out the yeerks would just move him somewhere else. so, rachel tries again: what about a smear campaign?

CANCEL HIM

jake frowns, but it’s the only plan they’ve got. marco and ax will surf the web and see what they can find online—hopefully his home address. then ax and tobias (in my copy of this book, jake refers to tobias as “tollies” which is ,,, new) will take the first shift observing william roger tennant in his natural habitat. after school, jake and marco will take over. bird morphs. okay, marco?

i swallowed hard. morphing. no big deal. unless…

“okay, jake. no problemo.”

at least three problemos

four days later, cassie and marco are in seagull morph, perched atop william roger tennant’s compound. over the past four days, marco’s morphed plenty of times, with no repeats of his strange half-and-half behavior. of course, he’s still nervous about it. i get that. i don’t even have to experience something to be afraid of it; i know my hair could get caught in the ticket-counter machine of a chuck-e-cheese.

for the past four days, they’ve watched william roger tennant. he is predictable and boring. ax and tobias spotted him using the gap entrance to the yeerk pool, so they know he’s for sure a controller. but other than that? the guy’s spotless. he’s given millions of dollars to charity, he has a ton of famous friends, he takes runs along the beach. one of which he’s on right now.

the seagulls sweep after him. they go over his routine: he runs in the morning. he showers. he works for a few hours, writing on his computer. sometimes he makes phone calls. he eats. feeds the birds, talks to the birds, smiles at the birds. then at five, he hops in his limo and goes to the studio. i honest to god don’t think rich people take limos. i think that’s something they made up for poor people to aspire to. that’s my conspiracy theory!!!

marco says he kinda wishes william roger tennant wasn’t a controller. maybe then he could get some advice. cassie’s like, well, i am your friend. do you have something you want to talk about? is it about ms. robbinette?

:/ yeah it is

marco reveals to us, the reader, that nora is confirmed not a controller. the animorphs followed her around for three days, and she didn’t make it to any of the yeerk pool entrances, so. she’s good there. but everything else sucks. she’s his math teacher. and then, of course, there’s her toy poodle, euclid.

satan with a perm. simple commands like “sit,” “stay,” “heel” all mean the same thing to this dog: bark at marco. jump on marco. bite marco’s ankle.

what kind of name is euclid

eur mom

as they follow william roger tennant down the beach, marco vents. for forty-five minutes. good for him! let it out. cassie listens, because she is a saint, and by the time william roger tennant is done with his run, marco has aired all his grievances. all but one. he does not tell cassie about the mutant morph. c’MON if anyone’s going to help you troubleshoot your morph it’s cassie “i kept my osprey wings as i morphed to blue whale” no-last-name!!!!

they watch william roger tennant return to his home, where he greets his large collection of domestic birds. the animorphs’ current plan is to morph cockatiel tomorrow—when rachel is available—and search his house for something incriminating.

five tiny, helpless birds fluttering around inside the house of a powerful yeerk.

we’d get caught, i’d get crushed, i wouldn’t even have to think about my dad and the math teacher.

idk pal i think you might

the next day, the animorphs are lurking outside of william roger tennant’s compound in squirrel form. they go over the plan one more time: get in. acquire the DNA of william roger tennant’s beloved cockatiels. (an animal, i just learned from this book, that can sometimes mimic human speech!) once in cockatiel, they’ll split into two groups—cassie, ax, and jake will search the house, and rachel and marco will stay with tennant. if one group runs into trouble, the other will move into battle morphs. tobias is gonna stay outside to be their eyes in teh sky in case the yeerks send in reinforcements.

aaaaaaand BREAK

marco’s nervous. he still hasn’t told anyone about his morphing mishap. but now’s clearly not the time. (i’d beg to differ, but these books were written in 1997, so the begging is useless. what’s done is done.) they break into william roger tennant’s house—ax hacks the security system as a squirrel—and then they’re in. jake uses a swiss army knife to cut a hole in the screen of a window. metal.

marco and rachel demorph first. they sneak into the aviary, which is huge. marco gets his hand cut open trying to approach a bird directly, but he does manage to snatch a bird off the branch and catch it in his hand. living my dream. sometimes i have the urge to just snatch a bird off the ground and hold it gentle in my hand. i’m just not fast enough.

marco and rachel morph into the birds with no morph-merge incidents. marco does have a little too much fun singing as a bird. jake checks in: everything okay? it’s been ten minutes since they slipped into the aviary. well, time for business!

rachel and marco flap flap their way to william roger tennant’s office. he’s typing an email on his computer. to get a closer look, rachel flaps over and lands on his head. william roger tennant is such a bird man he doesn’t even bat an eye. if a bird, even one i knew, landed on my head, i would be so sure it was game over.

he’s writing a letter. a thank-you letter….he’s doing a mail merge, rachel said. huh. it’s a letter to the president of one of the tv networks.

a mail merge! old school

the phone rings! it’s visser three! marco starts to lose control of the bird. he plucks out his feathers and drops them on the desk. he sings in william roger tennant’s ear. rachel’s like, marco, pull yourself together! but marco can’t! he’s chirping, he’s plucking, he’s rocking back and forth! meanwhile, william roger tennant is dropping some MAJOR exposition:

• the construction of a kandrona is coming along on schedule

• the president of the network will be at the “solid citizen awards banquet” which is just so . fucking funny. awards for our most solid citizens.

• william roger tennant expects he’ll be offered a prime-time slot for the coming season

• william roger tennant will not be killing the annoying bird, visser, because he needs to maintain his animal-loving image

then, “yes, visser, the day will come when we exterminate all irrelevant creatures. looking forward to it.”

like the weirdest email signature

then marco shits on the desk. not a bit! he shits on the desk and william roger tennant gets off the phone with visser three and starts chasing marco around the room. rachel escapes into the hallway, but marco gets bonked by a book. william roger tennant grabs him and begins to choke the life out of him.

my ribs! bending! collapsing!

my lungs! about to explode! blood surging to my head!

kids book!

then, his hands stop tightening. his host, the real william roger tennant, is fighting back! the yeerk will not kill his birdie!!!!!

and then y’all we get into some weird shit

william roger tennant begins monologuing. oh, he can’t wait to one day kill all of these stupid little birdies, one by one, just to break the spirit of his host! he can’t believe he has to maintain an image of patience, kindness, and love! but he is a warrior! he yearns to lash out! to kill! but he can’t!

rachel returns. she’s like don’t worry marco, the others are just battle morphin’. hang in there!

william roger tennant then opens his palm so birdie marco can struggle to his birdie feet. he pets birdie marco. then he lifts him up to his face.

“i have an idea, little birdie. if you can tell me your name, i will give you a treat. what is oyur name, little birdie?” he said. “tell william roger tennant your name.”

uh-oh!!!

he keeps asking birdie marco to tell him his name. rachel’s like WE GOTTA BAIL. jake and the others are outside in the hallway. rachel tells them to stay put; she and marco are about to escape. marco gets ready to leap off his palm and flap flap his way to freedom when william roger tennant gets a crazed look in his eyes. all his birdies know their names!!! unless this isn’t a little birdie, but an ANDALITE BANDIT

“computer! alert status one! andalite intruders!”

rachel and marco try to fly away. william roger tennant SMACKS marco with a dictionary, breaking one of his wings and sending him to the ground. he scoops him up and is ready to kill when rachel swoops in and STEALS HIS TOUPEE! william roger tennant drops marco! rachel takes william roger tennant’s hair into the hallway! (it’s a ponytail toupee, by the way, just for your mental image.)

there are six hork-bajir now. don’t ask me where they came from. i don’t know. jake and ax go to the hork-bajir. he summons tobias from the sky, tells rachel to go pick her favorite battle morph, and tells cassie to cover marco. marco’s fading fast. he just needs to demorph.

watch out! tennant’s got a gun!

spread out!

“i’ll kill all of you!”

BLAM!

chaos!!! marco manages to demorph. he rolls under the desk and starts to morph gorilla. but something goes wrong! he has gorilla arms, but a TROUT BODY!!!!!

i’m reading this at work right now and i KNOW someone can see me GASPING over here this shit is crazy!!!

marco is flopping around on the floor like a fish. tobias sees him through the window. he’s like, uh, marco??? marco’s like I DON’T KNOW MAN I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME. tobias is like, I WANT YOU TO NOT BE A FISH RN YOU CANNOT BREATHE!

lots of chaos out in the hallway. marco manages to demorph back to human, but the others are running back to the office because they’re outnumbered by hork-bajir and also william roger tennant has a gun. marco, in human form, hides behind the door. he waits until his friends have all ran in, and then he SLAMS the door right in william roger tennant’s face! jake’s like, why are you but a boy??? marco’s like NO TIME WE GOTTA GO

he takes william roger tennant’s laptop and swings it through the window like he’s qualifying for shot put. the others scramble through the window. marco does too, but since he’s but a boy, he can’t jump as far. he jumps to a nearby tree, then crashes to the ground. he runs for his life and the lives of the people he loves. he hides in a row of bushes that surround the compound and hopes beyond HOPE that william roger tennant didn’t get a look at his face.

back in the barn, marco is getting properly chastised. jake’s like, why didn’t you tell us??? marco’s like idk man i didn’t think it was a big deal

“no, you’re right. you end up half-trout, half-gorilla while we’re all playing pin the tail on the hork-bajir, why would that be a problem?” rachel said.

“everything turned out okay, didn’t it?!” i snapped. “besides, rachel. you weren’t exactly upfront with us when you had that allergy to the crocodile morph. in fact, if i remember correctly, you lied to us about it. said you were all better when you weren’t.”

rachel winced, cocked her head, and said, “maybe i’ll just let someone else yell at you.”

we love a self-aware queen

jake’s like, what’s going on? ax doesn’t know. he does know that sometimes, emotional distress negatively affects morphing. maybe marco’s having some emotional distress? cassie’s like, uh, yeah, i got the full run-down 45 minute powerpoint the other day. let’s talk about it. is it your dad?

marco’s like woah wOAH woa H he y i vented to you in CONFIDENCE! cassie knows the rule, though: animorphs don’t keep secrets. jake’s like, what’s the problem with your dad???

“he’s dating, all right?”

“that’s it? we already know that. so is that the reason you’re morphing into surf and turf?”

“um, jake,” cassie intervened. [ally!] “his mom, may not be exactly dead? his dad, may not be exactly a widower?”

thank you, cassie

jake’s like oh….good point sorry did NOT put that one together. well, i’m ur best friend?? why didn’t you tell me?? marco tries to laugh it off. he figures it’s not a big deal. nora will eventually get tired of dealing with marco, so she’ll probably go away, right? (the mommy issues run deep.) cassie’s like, maybe you just need to talk to someone.

“yeah, cassie. ‘uh, doctor freud? my dad’s thinking about remarrying. see, he thinks my mom is dead, but she’s not. she’s actually a slave to an alien race trying to conquer the planet. and did i mention the fact that i’m fighting this alien invasion myself? that i do it by turning into animals? say what? what size strait-jacket do i wear?’”

“well, okay,” cassie replied gently. “but what about us? we are your friends, marco. you can talk to us. keeping stuff all locked inside is what makes you get so stressed.”

“cassie, everyone here has problems. ax is the only member of his species within a trillion miles who’s not a controller; you’re a pacifist who spends half her time battling aliens; jake is just a dumb jock trying to play general eisenhower; rachel is about three millimeters away from morphing permanently into the terminator; and, oh, by the way, tobias is a bird who lives in a tree and eats mice for breakfast. we all have problems. we are not exactly the poster children for mental health week.”

“dumb jock? excuse me?”

god that is so fucking funny is jake just a dumb jock???? did he play sports?? he did, didn’t he? basketball? it’s been so long…

marco’s like, we all have issues, so what right do i have to lose my mind? cassie, shrugging because she knows she’s right, is like, as much right as any of us. jake sighs. he doesn’t want to belittle marco’s problems, but they do have a mission here, and marco is in danger. he can’t come along if he’s not going to be able to morph. they just can’t risk it.

there’s no immediate solution to the william roger tennant problem, either. his public persona is airtight, and his only crime is buying a toupee with a ponytail attached. (a toupee is fine; a faux ponytail? come on.) but they’re not going to solve it tonight. jake sends everyone home. and marco?

“yeah,” i muttered. “i know. no morphing.”

the walk home gives marco time to think. he comes to a conclusion: he hates his life. he’s just a kid, and life is—you know. bad. marco’s been holding onto the hope that somehow, some way, his mom would come back home. but now that nora’s around, and his dad’s in love, that hope has been crushed like fly!jake was on that plane. remember that?

when he gets home, marco discovers an unfamiliar car in the driveway. did the yeerks see him escape william roger tennant’s bird sanatorium? he enters his house and is ATTACKED!

BY NORA’S DOG EUCLID

he catches nora and his dad making out on the couch. awful! he acquires euclid’s DNA just to get him to stop yapping for thirty seconds. nora’s like, you know, euclid does sense stress. are you stressed, marco?

nora, read the room

marco takes his playstation UPSTAIRS to his ROOM so he doesn’t have to watch his DAD kiss his MATH TEACHER. math teacher!!! of all the teachers!!!

saturday night rolls around. marco’s been practicing his morphing all week, because tonight is a big night. tonight, the animorphs are going to crash the solid citizen awards and ruin william roger tennant’s reputation by getting him to go crazy in public. how, you ask?

easy. they’re going to sneak into a hotel, infiltrate a kitchen, morph into roaches, and smuggle themselves into his food.

to be fair, that would drive me crazy, so i think it’s a good plan.

and then cassie said, jake? something just occurred to me. this is a banquet, right? hundreds of people. so how do we find which salad or whatever is tennant’s?

there followed a long period of silence.

and then, still being an idiot, i said, i have an idea.

marco admits he’s not the ideal choice for the task due to the, you know, emotional and physical instability, BUT cassie has to stay with jake and rachel (for reasons not yet identified, so i’m preparing a glance to the camera), and ax can’t be in a kitchen in either andalite or human form, so. marco it is.

once the roaches are securely hidden underneath a large appliance, risking a few health code violations, marco scurries to the employee locker room. he demorphs inside the bathroom and steals a waiter’s uniform out of someone’s locker. (if i got to work and discovered my uniform was stolen, i’d consider it a sign from god and walk right back out.) (just kidding i do not have the spine to do that i would just cry to my managers.)

it’s back to the kitchen. it’s chaos in there. every scene from ratatouille and the bear all at once. yes chef!!! marco finds his roach friends and lets them crawl up his body. gross! it’s gross! gross all around! he finds the salads and tells jake he’s about to set aside a special one for william roger tennant. he approaches the salad manager.

“hey, dude, are you the salad guy?”

“the what?” he replied.

“the salad guy,” i said. “the guy who makes salads?”

“you mean the garde-manger?” he hissed.

“yes, that’s exactly what i meant,” i said. “look, william roger tennant said he doesn’t like tomatoes on his salad.”

“who’s william roger tennant?” he sneered.

“duh,” i replied. he wanted snooty, he’d get snooty. “he’s only the guest of honor at this banquet. he’s the man. well, him and hanson. they’re here, too.”

ok at first i was only quoting this part of the book to make a joke about how all chefs are really like that but then applegate decided to drop a hanson cameo???? mmmmbop BABY hanson’s here!!!!

marco’s like, look. william roger tennant doesn’t want tomatoes on his salad. just take the tomatoes off the salad and make sure that salad makes it to william roger tennant. you can’t miss him. he’s the vip with the ponytail. marco grabs the now tomato-less salad and lets his roach friends crawl right into it, and then places the salad on the top shelf. he tells the garde-manger to please make sure this salad makes it to william roger tennant.

“go away, little person. i am busy.”

this is exactly what the chefs said to me at my restaurants

now, marco scurries back to the locker room. he’s going to morph wolf spider, run to a spot just above william roger tennant, and drop down at just the right moment. piece of cake. he morphs.

i was feeling strange, like maybe i was still not done morphing, but that was only jitters. i ran for the wall and started to climb.

with my furry black paws.

my what?

uh-oh!!!

he’s a miniature eight-legged skunk! complete with little skunk paws on the ends of his little skunk legs, with the mouth of a wolf spider, and too many eyes! literally ten! immediately, the employees in the locker room start freaking out. totally valid. one of the employees shouts, “it’s the apocalypse upon us!”

how right you are, unnamed banquet hall worker

the other animorphs check in via thought-speak. marco’s like yeah yeah everything’s fine just a little snag nobody panic just getting chased with a broom everything’s going to be okay! he skitters down the hallway while his assailants follow. marco stops. he’s a skunk! he turns and tries to spray—but nothing happens! he’s surrounded!

well, there’s only one tactic left

psychological torment

he privae thought-speaks to the man holding the broom. he tells the man to drop the broom and walk away, or else he’s going to transform into a ten-foot monster and “pop [their] heads off like dandelions.” yoinks. mr. broom (applegate’s name) doesn’t buy it. so marco starts to demorph. fast. mr. broom screams, and so do his friends. they leave! marco is free! in human morph, but that’s fine. the roaches will have to do. he gets back into his busboy uniform and sneaks back into the kitchen. mr. broom and his broomygoons are talking to marcel, a very french man. how do i know he’s french?

a booming voice cut them off. “idiots! ah hev a room full of guests out zere! do yew sink i am heving time for your stupide games?”

marco approaches the salad bar. he mumbles to the animorphs that he’s gonna get them where they need to go—but his old pal the garde-manger overhears him. and so does marcel! marcel points at marco and calls him out for not working hard enough! abc! always be cleaning! and right now, marcel wants him to clean out the pig bucket, a term i’m just learning for the first time. a pig bucket, readers, is a huge plastic garbage can overflowing with uneaten food.

ahhhh i get it pig bucket

well, shit hits the fan. while marco is out there scooping slop into the dumpster, some yabbos have already delivered the salads to the banquet room! marco runs in. jake, via thought-speak, is like hey marco hope you’re doing well it’s me your buddy jake. listen man, we’re being set down in front of someone, so i hope it’s the right person!

marco moves to the raised platform where william roger tennant and, again, the actual band hanson are seated. marco scoots scoots scoots behind them, trying to see where the no-tomato-sub-roach salad is, when suddenly someone screams.

uh, that doesn’t sound like tennant, tobias said.

it sounds like zac! cassie cried.

i spun around. zac hanson had fallen backward in his chair. his two brothers leaped to his aid.

not zac hanson!!!! i know nothing about the band hanson so in my mind i’m imagining kevin jonas.

zac hanson’s screams start a riot. everyone else at the table starts screaming. the raoches scaatter. men women and children are making a break for it. marco pushes through and collects all his roach friends.

someday when this is all over people will ask us about the war against the yeerks, tobias said. let’s leave this part out.

it’s time for plan b.

ax morphed to human and dressed in a second dirty uniform. once i convinced him an apron was not a cape we did okay. i needed ax. i had a feeling no one was going to let me get near the dias. i was associated with the regrettable roach incident.

what happens next is a fucking comedy of errors. farcical. the best performance of your high school’s noises off.

ax and marco go back to the banquet hall. hanson has cleared the room. william roger tennant is still there. marcel is also there. he tells marco to go clean ze peeg bucket. marco goes to dew ze peeg bucket. the other animorphs demorph and remorph as fleas. since marco is dealing with the pig bucket, ax has to carry them over to the target.

“no!” i yelled in frustration at a skanky alley cat.

i am quite capable of this simple maneuver, ax said snippily. marco was merely concerned that i would go postal. but i have no mail.

is anyone else getting that sinking feeling? tobias muttered.

i can’t believe applegate called that cat a skank

marco tries to run back inside, but he’s locked in the alley! he bangs on the door. while he’s trying his fucking hardest to get back inside the building, ax and jake and providing a play-by-play via thought-speak of their coordination. ax holds out his hand for the fleas. marco jumps over the skanky cat. the fleas land on ax’s hand. marco trips in the alley. jake tells ax to clear the plates. marco SCREAMS! he makes it inside!

just in time to watch ax full on literally wiping people’s plates clean with his mouth. marco sprints. ax grabs william roger tennant’s plate. william roger tennant refuses to let go. he stands up. ax shoves him back down with his flea-covered hand. the fleas jump off! marco grabs ax!

held him back and yelled, “sir, we’re not really busboys, we’re just really big fans, could we have an autograph?”

turns out flattery really will get you anywhere. william roger tennant gives them an autograph! marco and ax take the autograph and melt into the crowd, removing their uniforms so marcel will not find them. they sneak to a table with one seat available. ax sits on marco’s lap. then william roger tennant moves to the podium to deliver a speech.

we’re in position, jake said. we are under the toupee. biting has begun.

william roger tennant starts to speak. the animorphs are going HAM on his head, but this motherfucker is made of STEEL! he makes it through his speech with only a brief flicker of uncomfortable flashing across his stolen face. he gets a standing ovation. people are cheering his name. and the animorphs have failed yet again.

there’s got to be a way, rachel said. there must be something irritating enough to make tennant go off in public.

irritating?

no. it wouldn’t work.

or would it?

if this ain’t a mood

the animorphs return home in defeat. thankfully, marco’s dad is not home, so he can sulk by himself. it’s bad enough they couldn’t get tennant to freak out, but it’s worse that he can’t get his morphing under control. he knows this means he doesn’t have his mind or his emotions under control, either. puberty sucks!

he’s just cracked open a fresh bag of cookies when there’s a knock on the door. it’s cassie! marco’s like uh???? what are you doing here???

“i’m here to listen to you.”

i’ m. em o. tio na l

cassie’s like, look. i know you blew another morph. i didn’t tell jake because i want you to know you can trust me enough to talk to me about this stuff. marco’s like, what are you a therapist? cassie shrugs. it’s not like they can talk to anyone else about this stuff. they’re really the only people in the world who know what it’s like to deal with the stuff they deal with. and, cassie points out, she has her parents. jake has his parents. rachel talks to her parents and her sisters all the time. but after marco’s mom disappeared and everyone thought she was dead, his dad spiraled, and marco had to become the man of the family. and on top of that, marco discovered his mom was alive, but taken over by the baddest baddie of all bads.

marco sees his mom on that cliff. sees her having the realization that it was no andalite who led her into that trap, but her host body’s son. her son. he freaks out. cassie tries to soothe him: he’s in a war. it’s fucked that they’re the ones who have to deal with it, but the fact of the matter is, they’re in it. it doesn’t change things to pretend everything is okay. he makes a few weak jokes, and cassie sighs.

fine, she says. don’t talk to me. if you have to keep everything inside, for whatever idiotic masculinity driven reason, fine. but at least be honest with yourself. as she’s leaving, she stops in the doorway to deliver a little monologue.

“you know, at the clinic we’re always getting animals who are hurt or injured by humans. by jerks who shoot at them for no reason, or try and burn them, or whatever. and i used to get so mad. i just hated those people. and i’d feel like i was wasting my time because, you know, there’s always some jerk with a twenty-two. i’d rage about it. but my dad told me, ‘deal with what is.’”

i was confused. “what’s that mean?”

“it means, the animal is hurt. help the animal.” she came back over to me and took my hand. “or in your case, marco, it means that the yeerks are here, your mother is visser one, and your dad is lonely. none of that should be. but it is.”

i cannot believe i’m going to have to go into therapy on monday and explain to my therapist i run an animorphs blog

this shit is wild!!! could u IMAGINE being a kid picking up this book and thinking it’s gonna be a fun little romp about a boy turning into a dog and instead you get grief counseling and a specific perspective on a parent entering into a new relationship???

i love YA

the next chapter is quick and easy. tobias and marco team up to terrorize william roger tennant one final time. as he’s on his beachside run, marco in poodle form goes YAPPING after him. arfarfarf!!!!! he attacks!!! william roger tennant has a full freak out in front of so many beachgoers. he threatens the dog. he uses words marco doesn’t feel comfortable repeating. (let the animorphs say fuck!!) william roger tennant tells the dog he wants to kill him. then marco yapyapyapyaps him all the way home.

good job, tobias said, landing on a tree just above me. he turned his head and looked down at me with one seagull eye. this plan just might work.

they spend the next two days stalking him. william roger tennant takes the limo to run in the park? marco is there. william roger tennant has to deliver a speech? marco tears a hole in the seat of his pants. he pisses on his foot. he grabs at his tie. he can tell that william roger tennant just wants to kick the shit out of him, but he can’t!

marco’s like, look. my entire life has been ruined by the yeerks. they took my mom, they obliterated my dad, they forced me into a horrifying war from which i will never recover. am i taking a sadistic pleasure in tormenting this yeerk? absolutely. do i deserve a bit of clean harmless fun? you bet your ass i do.

and you know what??? i agree with him. every once in awhile these kids should get to be kids, and nothing says childhood like chasing down an asshole and making him fear for his life

on friday, marco returns home for dinner. his dad is noticeably nervous. marco’s stomach sinks. his dad is like, look, marco. i loved your mom with everything in me. losing her was super hard, but it’s been two years, and i am happy for the first time in a very long time. he wants to propose to nora, but he’ll only do it if marco says it’s okay.

fine. so it was on me. great. typical. yeah, why not? i’ll decide if my dad is happy or not, if my mom is still my mom. i’ll decide if she lives or if she dies so that i, the great marco, the great cold-blooded marco can prove how tough i am by leading her into a trap, setting her up…

we only have like 8 pages left i do not know where we’re gonna go from here!!!!

marco RUNS for the door. he is OUTTA THERE.

the next chapter opens with the animorphs landing on the roof of the TV studio. jake runs over the plan: he and ax will take the control booth. marco will be on harassment duty, as per ush. they need to catch on camera (applegate’s emphasis) william roger tennant going batshit crazy. tobias will be on lookout, and rachel and cassie will be inside the studio as backup. everyone looks to marco, waiting for him to make a joke about how they’re all doomed.

i let them wait.

cold

morphing into flies, they sneak into the studio through the airducts and go to their separate posts. the network bigwig is there to watch a live broadcast of tennant’s show, so the animorphs are going to prove to the bigwig, and the entire country, that tennant is a nut who can’t be trusted.

that’s where i came in. i was supposed to morph euclid and bait tennant—before the show began. tennant was just controlled enough not to blow it in public. we had learned that at the banquet. he was crazy, but he was crazy in private.

same

they said, sending out this detailed blog about the animorphs

there’s a lot that could go wrong. ax could not hack into the computers and cameras in time, william roger tennant could keep his cool, or he could kill marco before cassie and rachel had time to intervene. just your typical friday night!!!

there’s a fun little bit here where marco and tobias talk about pitching a new star trek series to the network guy, which jake is quick to shut down because poodles don’t pitch shows. not with that attitude!

cassie, rachel, and marco smuggle into william roger tennant’s dressing room. cassie and rachel demorph and remorph into wolves, prepared to yoink marco out of there once the mission is complete. marco begins to morph into euclid. he gets distracted by the thought of living with this dog (which i get. this is my public coming out as not a dog person), and his morph goes wild.

he’s half poodle, half-polar bear, all murderous rage. the killer instincts of the polar bear + the “daffy-duck-on-espresso lunacy of the poodle” = bad news bears!!!

he charges into the studio and finds william roger tennant. he corners him. william roger tennant is pissing his pants! (not canonically.) the other animorphs are yelling at marco to get a grip! cassie tries the gentle approach, reminding marco he’s lost in the morph, but jake is like, no time to be gentle.

i don’t care what your problems are. you deal with this, right now.

cassie’s like, jake, please he’s dealing with a lot!!! jake says “you know i love you and admire you” (aw) but he knows how to handle marco best. they are best friends after all. and jake is prince jake.

cassie, he’s not you, he’s not rachel, he’s not even me. he’s marco, jake said. what he needs is to pull his head out of his rear end and remember what he always says.

what i always say? what was he talking about?

jake said, life is either tragedy or comedy. usually it’s your choice. you can whine or you can laugh.

marco laughs. he does say that!

it works! marco is able to get control of the morph, and he becomes all poodle. which is great news. and terrible news. now that he’s not half-polar bear, william roger tennant is pissed. he literally snaps an electrical cord out of the wall and starts whipping marco with it!!!!

marco runs and leads him to the soundstage. william roger tennant chases after him. he picks marco up by the neck and starts choking him. ax turns on the cameras!!! the execs, including the network bigwig, come running in!!! william roger tennant doesn’t even NOTICE!!! he’s just trying to choke this dog!!!!

the studio execs pry william roger tennant away from marco, and cassie and rachel are there to scoop him up in their little wolf mouths. the network bigwig isn’t having it! this is madness! if they want to put this man on the air, they’re going to have to try fox! (canonical!)

boys and girls, jake said, i believe our work here is done.

it’s two weeks later, and all the animorphs are at a wedding!!!! after nearly dying, marco really takes some time to think about what his dad said. he thinks about what cassie said, and what jake said, but mostly, he thinks about what his mom said. life is either a tragedy or a comedy. it’s easy to be miserable. it’s harder to find the humor, but it is worth the effort.

so, he’s his dad’s best man. he wears a suit. he helps nora move into his house, and they both agree that he won’t call her mom. he can see a day where they’ll be able to get along okay, even if he hates her dog.

he’s coming home from school. he hears the phone ringing. it rings more often now that a teacher lives in his house, so he decides to let it go to voicemail.

and then, i heard her voice.

“marco, if you’re there, pick up.”

my mother.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!

REVIEW

4/5. i love a marco book. this was wild start to finish. i think we’ll probably get more cliffhanger books as we start to stretch out emotional beats, which i’m looking forward to. these kids have GOT to talk to each other.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

• where is the entrance to your local yeerk pool? i think there’s definitely one in the pedway that connects the blue line and the red line in downtown chicago. and there is DEFINITELY one in the secret lettuce entertain you tunnels under river north.

• what is the phrase you say that your friends could use to remind you of who you are?

PREDICTIONS

• when marco’s mom comes back she will come back as marco’s mom, not visser one. u heard it here first folks i’m calling it that is his real mom on the phone!!!!

that’s all i have for you this week folks!!! two in a row!!! i don’t wanna jinx it so i won’t. drink some water and say something kind to yourself. see ya!!